Ugh...I hate myself

I completely blew off TJ. He called me on Monday while I was at work. I was in the middle of doing a haircut so I didn't answer my cell. He left me a voicemail saying he wanted to get together Tuesday night because he was leaving on Wednesday (today).

I never called him back. On purpose.

I feel horrible about it. I'm not even sure why I did it.

Well...that's not completely true.

The last time he was here, in January, I came thisfuckingclose to cheating on Kai with him. Actually, by Kai's definition of cheating, I did. Meaning, I made out with him. I felt bad about it afterwards. I asked a few friends what they thought I should do. (Jared, I seem to recall talking to you about it?) Anyway, the general consensus was that I do nothing because it really wasn't that big of a deal. So I didn't. Kai never knew about it. He still doesn't. But I still feel guilty.

Which brings me to now. I know Josh and I aren't exactly in what you could call a serious relationship. But I still wouldn't feel right doing anything with TJ while I'm dating Josh. And it's not as simple as just NOT doing anything with TJ. There's a long history there. Not to mention chemistry and attraction. We have this effect on each other. It's hard to say no to him. (Haven't we all had one of those??) And of course if something did happen, I'd feel like a total slut because I'm sleeping with Josh.

So, instead I completely ignored him. And I feel like a complete bitch for it. We've been friends for a long time. I'm pretty sure I've upset him because he hasn't called or texted or anything.

I think I'll drop him an email tomorrow and explain myself. That's all I can think of to do...